DIY Guide to Hotels, Motels and Bonk Stops

OR Hotel World

En route from Austria to here (Germs as I like to call the Vaterland) my car broke down. Right near this country`s seediest hotel.

Definitely 100% sure it was a highway-side shagging hotel.

This one appeared to be frequented by child groomer-looking types that wear eighties tennis shoes with suits. It was shudder inducing entertainment to watch the human tide that ebbed in and out the Casino door while we drank Burger King coffee and waited for roadside assist.

I am totally mesmerised by the magic of hotels and when your feet are as itchy as mine, you end up staying in loads of them.

The luxury of crisply laundered linen and wide tiled bathrooms. The way the towels, tissues and toilet paper are delicately folded into welcoming origamis . And don`t get me started on hotel lobbies! The poised possibility of these intersection is irrisistibly thrilling.

Dinky DIYs Guide to Hotels, Motels and Bonk Stops.

Hotel Life Be alert when approaching hotels or motels on dark desert highways. These joints might look nice, though remember you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. I once stayed in a youth hostel in Tel Aviv that was full of slightly off characters who had forgotten hotels were usually transitional places. It was fun to begin with but then just got scary.

Stars In Her Eyes . Ten year old me was so overwhelmed by the grandeur of five star foyeurs that I would immediately take to calling my brother Alex, Sander and inexplicably rolling my r`s.

Mini Me Mini bars are the ultimate test of self discipline and the lonely room culture of motels. I`ve seen them undo perfectly normal human beings… is it the mininess that is so novel? Tiny little bottles and pint sized packets are speaking to you from behind the itty bitty fridge door. Devour me, they cry, ravage me at $6.95 a pop charged straight to your card.

Truck-Stop Terror Driving north last year I was caught in a deluge that refused to ease up and forced me into the Bates Motel of Ballina, NSW. I hardly slept a wink under my fly-spotted, moth-eaten synthetic bedspread listening to truckies talking through the paper thin walls, with their distinctly Wolf Creek gravelly voices. Horror. I skidaddled first thing in the morning before I came across Norman... or his Mother.

Boutique in BrisVegas Once in Brisbane I stayed here and I`m convinced this is the best place to stay in town. Funky rooms, big TV, walking distance to everything you need PLUS internet and complimentary coissant breakfast at very decent rates. The discerning travellers first choice for Brissy. (they should pay me for this kind of love.)

Doing the Continental I`ve had pretty rocking breakfast experiences the world over but became very fond of having eggs fried in front of me in all the B and Bs of Vietnam. Complimentary breakfast... When they mention this as they hand me the key, my knees unfailingly go weak. Along with late check out I`m not sure there is anything I would rather hear come out of the mouth of a bellhop. Maybe, Oh and Madam, a message from Mr Clooney, your ballgown is hanging in the closet and the limo will collect you from the lobby at eight. That would also be nice.

Heartbreak Hotel There`s nothing like balling in a hotelroom alone to make you feel like a washed up rockstar. Mini bar self-medicating and other demons often lurk in the wrong room at the wrong time. But, be astute. If the bell hops tears keep flowin and the desk clerk is dressed in black. They have probably been so long on lonely street they aint ever gonna look back and you would be better off shelling out the extra dosh to get a nice spa suite and treat yourself to dinner. Trust me, those dodgy joints are supposed to get you thinking Michael Hutchence thoughts. Get out!

We haven`t had that spirit here since 1969. Unregistered guests have been known to overstay their visit to hotels by hundreds of years. Yep, I`m talking the supernatural kind that rattle chains up hallways and run ice cold hands down your neck. Check out the world`s most haunted hotels here.

Great Aussie Hotels

• Lake Argyle Village is on the edge of the most spectacular views, motel is 1950s pastel paradise
  
• Victoria Hotel Rutherglen must stay for the June Queens Birthday Winery Walkabout
• El Questro actually means nothing in Spanish or any other language. But it sounds cowboy cool. This place was once a free loving utopia that, as they all do, failed and is now in the very commercial hands of wiser folk. Christ, it`s amazing though.
• Grey Gum Lodge, Nimbim. Best bargain and best kept secret place to stay up here (even though its flooding at the moment.) The owner, I think her name is Shirley, is a pretty interesting lady and has a flair for shabby chic sans the shabby.