DIY Voodoo &Vengeance

Things are heating up in the Antipodes and it’s making my blood boil.... Be sure to wear your gris-gris.

That’s right folks, I’m itchin’ for a witchin’ and there be fools steppin’ on my toes. Takin’ liberties, pushin’ my buttons and I know you feel me when I say it’s time for a reckoning. It’s time for some healthy retribution.

So button up pack your road rage into that soul pocket for a moment (the one that turns into cancer if you don’t keep an eye on it) because we have stumbled upon a new ways to vent your spleen.

Dinky DIY's Manual on Voodoo & Vengeance:

Louisiana Ouanga:

Rootwork is the hoodoo term for one that cooks up potions and powders from herbs and roots. How’s your veggie garden going? I don’t need to tell you the old laxative in the coffee trick or putting wee flowers (dandelions) under the object of your wrath’s pillow at night but you may very well be unaware of the old potions relied upon by witchdoctors of the Caribbean to drive the message home. The idea is you make a little pouch filled with a wicked ingredients which your victim must merely touch to begin the curse.

Marie Laveau apparently sealed her sought after charm pouch’s with dragon’s blood ink, fetching hefty prices from the fearful believers. Remember, only an odd number of ingredients and never more than 13 items.

Recipe for Goofer Dust (this one brings on serious trouble for one’s enemy ... so be careful!)

• Graveyard dirt
  
• Black salt
  
• Ground sulfur
  
• Snake skin
  
• Magnetic sand
  
• Dried pigeon poo

Blow on the bag to activate the magick!

Consult your grimoire for good stockists.

Blood Feud:
Nemo Me Impune Lacessit

When you play with fire, you’re bound to get burnt, dear readers. Which is why one must keep one’s nose out of crazy tribal madness at all times. Familial, tribal and gang vendettas can be a messy business and nobody wants to be the mopper... or the mopped?! Leave all that business down in Melbourne where it belongs, I say, and learn to play nice like the Samurais did . Stay classy, friends, air kiss while you twist that knife in their backs and sweetly smile while stirring poison. If things start to get really bad, just be sure you have a sexy yellow jumpsuit onhand.

Oh Poppets!
You remind me of the babe
(What babe?)
Babe with the power
(What power?)
Power of voodoo
(Who do?)
You do
(Do what?)
Remind me of the babe

Poppets are the original voodoo dolls (these dolls actually have no place in the Haitian/West African Voodou religions) originating in Europe as little sympathetic magic outlets for ill-intentions. But unless you have a stray Barbie kicking around, who has time to rustle up twigs and wax for this exacting form of punishment. Not us, Dinksters! We are busy people of the world and that’s why I have scoured the interwebz to bring you the 21st Century solution – Virtual Voodoo Doll. Get clicking.


Beat of A Tell Tale Heart:
"And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life, Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot..." Exodus 21:23

Nothing sends the message clearer than a rumbling beat of doom. Bongos, clapping sticks or stomping feet work quite well. In the office, batterie maconnique can be simulated with the ear-drum piercing frustration of a fax-line repeatedly harassing one’s landline. Set your fax to try 15 times then call our enemy’s direct number. Then go calmly about your day knowing with each ring, their nerves are fraying slight more and more.

Weapon of Choice:
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening." [Alfred Hitchcock]

They do say revenge is a dish best served cold but how about undead?
In Haitian voodoo culture, zombification is a specialised vengeance punishment for wrongdoers but in Westernised cultures everyone wants instant gratification, seeing results now now now... you know, Bobbit-style . There are different styles, some procrastinate a la Hamlet or they might gloat like the nutjobs at Revenge Lady. Some folks like to see others in pain, bloodied horse heads on pillows and the such, others seek swift retribution. For more information, speak to the professionals ... or watch more cartoons, Sylvester and Tweetie, Tom and Jerry, Itchy and Scratchy, Wiley Coyote and Roadrunner.... plenty of inspiration.


Screw karma, give ‘em what’s coming!

DIY Jai Guru Deva

OR Learn To Pray (Like A Virgin.... ...joking, I’m having a pop song quoting flash. Ignore)

If you have forgotten how friggen nuts people are when it comes to religion and need to be reminded, you gotta watch the documentary “Jesus Camp”.

Watching the outright brainwashing of children into sobbing uncontrollably as they plead “No more, Jesus, no more” into the camera clinging to plastic figurines of supposed embryos (which looked suspiciously like small cupie dolls) is enough to make a normal person want to hijack a plane and drive it straight into their moronic heads.

But that’s not to say I don’t dig a bit of otherworldliness. Jesus is totally alright with me, even though he’s just an allegorical figure based on the ancient god Horace (have you seen Zeitgeist yet?)

The fundamentalist super right is causing all sorts of stirs everywhere these days, from teaching kids in the apparent leader of the free world intelligent design, to teaching them how to blow themselves up in the Middle East.

Since this site is all about doing it for yourself, I’m a complete advocate of hodge-podge spirituality. DIY Religion if you like, where you pick and mix all the best bits of other people’s religions and jumble them together, dance to your own divine tune and blaspheme your way to a better you.


Dinky DIY’s Guide to A More Spiritual You

• There is a reason the evangelical churches are called charismatics. It’s because they are. They add a bit of pep into the dry, old-school style realm of religion. Next time someone gives you good news totally do a happy dance, be oddly and overbearingly enthusiastic about it, THANK profusely and exclaim that it’s AWESOME to be alive. A bit of hardcore gratitude can’t hurt.

• Got a few sins to offload? Grab a chicken! The ritual of kaparot says all you have to do is read some of the psalms and swing a chook around your head three times and now you’re not the baddie as far as the Big Guy is concerned, he’s going to blame it all on the bird. Sweet deal.

• “Celebrate the rather obvious idea that "god" is nothing more than a raw hot energy that permeates all things at all times in all places and it is meant to be shared like a long slow tongue-kiss across all genders and locations and hairstyles.” (Mark Morford) Can we so do this?! I know what you’re thinking – arsonist orgies! Safety first, kids.

• Speak in tongues. I just love watching the Jesus Weepers pull this stunt, aside from being side-splittingly hilarious (have you ever seen one run out of made up words and then just go back to the beginning of Oooloogggulackamagucka again? They repeat their own nonsense... muahahahaha.... laughing alone, am I? Carefactor: 0) it really can’t be argued with. I mean, it’s the most infuriating way to trump an argument;

“Jesus loves me and I am imbued with the power of the Holy Spirit.”
“But he doesn’t exist.”
“Oh doesn’t he ? Oooloogggulackamagucka”
“Stop talking like that. I know it’s just you pretending.”
“Oooloogggulackamagucka, oh Holy Spirit, save this non-believer, gooeeebigillipliplipooosh.”

You can’t reply, because you don’t speak that language and you don’t speak that language because it’s just being made up on the spot. Next time you run out of good comebacks, just bust out a Holy Spirit ninja kick in your foe’s face, “Why didn’t you bring in the washing, like you said you would?” “Oooloogggulackamagucka!” It’ll work every time.

• Bad face day? Get a niqub, one of those dinky veils that only let your eyes peep through. But for those times when you’re feeling extra frumpy, best to have a burqa on hand. They come in one shade of hail mary blue and covers you up so well, if you just sit still people might just assume you’re part of the furniture and ignore you altogether.

Plenty of other wacky things you can find out in the world that you could add to this list, so get soul-searching and see what you can come up with.

But don’t forget "religion constructed on a 'do-it-yourself' basis cannot ultimately help us," customised religion, says the Pope, is very naughty but then again, the megachurches have been wrong before (Salem anyone?)

This just cracked me up.