Wadda Wippoff Or Dinky DIY’s Guide to Dodging Cons

Greetings infidels.

Penny pinching is du jour in these GFC (Gotta find cash? Get fricken covered?) times bringing out the recessionista in everyone.

Basically the rich have been just dying for an opportunity to be out, loud and proud about tight-arsed behaviour and the flurry of middle class blogs penned around frugal chic is testament to that.

Now, we at Dinky DIY say more power to you! The Machine is a constantly scheming engine that is churning out new and breathtakingly cheeky ways to rip us all off, so we say give it back to ‘em.

Here are some classic rip offs so you can spot them a mile away.

Bottled Water: Evian can suck it. Seriously what the eff, people? What do you pay water rates for? It’s flowing freely through your faucets and you just can’t wait to dash out and buy some more blue-lidded landfill. Oh waaah, it tastes metallic. Cry me a river, you pansies. Harden up and dilute it with scotch.

Diamonds: Show me the carbon and I’ll show you the diamonds. Tons of them, mate, scattered around everywhere but just try and sell them and you will have a serious encounter on your hands. Enter DeBeers (cue evil laugh). Yep those buggers have made it their business to suppress diamond supply and squeeze out competition for yonks, so that you are serving up three times your monthly salary to snare the heart of your darling. The woman who coined the ultra successful “Diamonds Are Forever” line, didn’t ever get married because she knew that it was all just a line.

Farmers Markets & The Organic Food Con: Yes, of course you feel better after you have eaten sausages that cost you $6 a snag or a slice of $8 bread. That’s because you’re a yuppie; all smug and superior when you see others at the lunch table content with their glutinous, processed, pesticided white bread making their children ADHD or hyper-allergic or whatever and giving them ulcers and cancers and what not. But rest easy, most of those fancy pants delis and farmers markets have free tastings, so if you’re fast and relatively inconspicuous, you can tour around stocking up on upmarket treats without parting with a cent.

Gym Membership: Flabby McFlabFlab went to the gym, the peach-buttocked girls sold a dream to him, “$49 a month and sure thing you’ll be thin! Don’t read the fine print – just sign here and win.” And the chubby fool copped it all with a grin.

The Secret : Spoiler alert! I’ll save you the time and dosh and let the big fat secret out of the bag for free... you are in control of you. Oooohhh myyyyy goooooodddddd. Reeeeevvvveeellllaaattionn. That is unless, of course, you have already begun reading the books and watching the DVDs. Then you are not in control. You are being brainwashed by the some geniuses who got high distinctions in Marketing 101. If you really want to lose your grip, why not look into Turning Point ?

Stay ahead of the game, gumdrops.

DIY The Russian, The Witch & The Wardrobe

OR How To Survive The Recession Ikea-free

I have an Ikea wardrobe on eBay at the moment selling for a hundredth of its original price. The experience is bittersweet because that wardrobe was my first serious Ikea investment only six months ago when we first moved here to funny little Austria and now, already, we’re on the way out.

Damn recession.

The Russian, I suspect, is chronically recessed. That’s what you are when you haven’t yet reached the technical definition of depression but you mope around irritated with the world in your pyjamas eating chocolate biscuits all day and questioning your purpose in life. Maybe everyone is a bit recessed lately.

But six months ago we were playing shining happy house-makers, merrily building things with funny names with nothing but an Allen key.

The wardrobe, however, was not a merry experience.

The thing is a beast. It took four people and a good many more tools than those provided in the cardboard flat packs it came in, plus copious amounts of brutal swearing in three languages and about five hours of serious manual labour to construct.

This must be going on in apartments all over Stockholm all the time.

And doesn’t Pax mean peace? What’s peaceful about that kind of stressful experience? And, hahahaha, sucked into that Brangelina kid that’s gonna wake up one day and realise he’s been named for a Swedish wardrobe. Ahahaahahaha...

Laughing alone, am I? Carefacter: 0

I read the other day that Ikea is apparently a recession-proof business. So now I loathe the shiny white Pax monstrosity even more. Immune from recession is it... but is it immune from my flying- ninja-demon-axe-wielding trick? Unfortunately we will never know, because we already have one bidder – and he/she is bidding on the Pax in the picture not the Pax post-attack (see my artists impression below.)

Other folks far craftier and clever than I, have channelled their creativity into the Ikea icon. I’ve mentioned before on Design Federation how fond I am of the good folks at Ikea Hacker (see article here) who reimagine Ikea bits and pieces into even cooler stuff.

I’m happy just reimagining my wardrobe as gone from my life.

I do like Ikea’s glass tumblers and the decent feed you can get at the Ikea cafe, though. But I think I had my nesting-with-Ikea experience and next time I need stuff I will be found at garage sales, on eBay and scrounging around flea markets.

How to find cheap stuff without having to go to Ikea:

• Local papers usually advertise Garage Sales and stuff people are even happy to give away if you'll come and get it
  

• Cruise around on a Saturday in the suburbs and you are bound to stumble upon a garage sale, flea market or church fete (look out for shabby signs scrawled on cardboard beer case boxes and tackorama balloon/streamer combinations promoting the event.)

• Love Gumtree! Sold my car and a fridge on here once. Watch out for Nigerian scammers though.

• Have your own garage sale and ask friends for donations (keep the good stuff) Had a super fun Saturday arvo garage sale last year. My mum put up a sign saying “Pilgrims Prices!” because we were en route to the Randwick Racecourse and it was the weekend the pope was in Sydney. Tightarsed pilgrims didn’t buy anything but installed my brother and his acoustic guitar as entertainment and made $150. Not bad for an afternoon in the sun.

• Auctions. There is a creepy element to the thought that the stuff may have come from a deceased estate. But if the ghoulish thought of someone having died in your new rocker doesn’t freak you out I suggest you hit the auctions. My Dad is a fan, comes home with the most random stuff (like the tropical fish sideboard.) I think the papers advertise where/when.