September 23, 2009
Sometimes you've gotta step back and look at the big picture, but sometimes the opposite is true too.
A hazy, throat-choking, nose-tickling cloud descended upon the Australian east coast yesterday turning out glittering harbours and neighbourhoods into Marscapes. Giving everyone the opportunity to focus on what is right in front of them, the over-looked details of your immediate life.
Stop being a whingy ratbag and look on the bright-side, when the expanding horizons are blurred you can stay inside and work on the often neglected little things and regular relationships.
Or not. Suck on your asthma attack.
FYI Things have been worse.
September 9, 2009
OR Gettin' Jiggy
Back in Sydney, where sun kissed firm flesh abounds! Whatevs, while I mix myself a pina colada and load up RedTube
Dinky DIYs Guide to Harlots, Whores & Hookers ... y’know, in case you’re job-hunting. Inform yourselves.
The World`s Oldest Profession: During the heyday of Roman orgies, Emperor Claudius‘ naughty younger bride, Messalina, challenged Rome‘s top-billing whore to a sex marathon. Curious about who could hang in there the longest, the match was scheduled and Messalina won after 25 rounds. Atta gal! But all this skirt lifting and streetwalking can come at a price and the terrifying Jack the Ripper was not the first nor last fiend to target working girls for grim ends. Apparently business is also suffering since the economic crisis has hit .
The Happy Hooker: She is Amsterdam`s celebrity daughter of the flesh, Xaviera Hollander. Born like a thousand years ago in the Dutch East Indies she now looks like a really old blow-up doll. She ended up in New York when she was in her 20s working for the Dutch consulate, but when the opportunity to become a $1000 a night call girl popped up… well, Ol' Xaviera wasn't silly, she could do the math. After a year of cashing up, she opened her own brothel and promoted herself to madam of the Vertical Whorehouse and went on to publish her book The Happy Hooker divulging the ins and outs (ehem) of her lifestyle choices.
Working Down Under: Madam Lash, Sydney`s favourite private school educated own dominatrix extroadinaire. Our most notorious S&M artist, sex hedonist and kink-parlour proprietor. Though, she`s getting a bit long in the… tooth these days, Im sure that hasn`t diminished her appeal. These days she can be found hanging out in the Anything Can Happen room of her Palm Beach mansion, painting '4D' portraits of her famous friends and "highly vibrational individuals". Watch out for her next Mardi Gras.
Holy Harlots: Biblical stories are just seething with these misunderstood badgirls, beginning with Lilith . Mythology places her as Adam`s (of Garden of Eden fame) first wife, but her history can be traced to Sumerian legends where the feminine demon Lilitu tormented men with erotic dreams. Anyway, like so many relationships it was sex that broke up this couple of paradisians - ancient Jewish texts state;
Adam and Lilith immediately began to fight. She said, 'I will not lie below,' and he said, 'I will not lie beneath you, but only on top. For you are fit only to be in the bottom position, while I am to be the superior one.' Lilith responded, 'We are equal to each other inasmuch as we were both created from the earth.'
So she flew off and God had to make Adam a new girlfriend. Poor Eve didn`t escape getting a bad rep either, after all, she basically got the blame for all the ills of the world. The Magdalene has been redeemed a bit via Dan Brown, but 2000 is a loooong time for a rumour mill to be cranking against you. But who is the wickedest of them all? Why Jezebel , of course! The original painted lady who welcomed battle by putting on makeup forever earning herself a reputation for being mutton dressed as lamb.
Shakespearean Strumpets: Old Bill had a filthy mouth when he tried and some of the insults one can find in the pages of his works would fuel ripping good arguments for years to come. Shakespeare's Bawdy is a fabulous tribute to the Bard`s command of Elizabethan slang. When it came to whores Shakespeare had no limits to the names he could tarnish a woman with strumpet, slattern, wench, adulteress, temptress, cuckolder, merry wife, debauncherer, stale, doxy and it goes on. Shame he was such a rubbish speller.
September 3, 2009
Dinky DIY’s Guide to Being a Classy Late-Adopter
Still punching out your SMSs with two hesitant index fingers on spongy rubber buttons, applying careful punctuation? I know its hard being out of the loop when it comes to technology so here’s Dinky DIYs advice for being technologically retarded with dignity...
Book Your Face
There’s nothing sadder than a desperate housewife’s Facebook page filled with the results of the 25 quizzes she’s done since 9 am (No, you are not Elizabeth Bennett, Rita Hayworth or a “Neat Freak”, in fact you are just a bored and possibly drunk woman. Get offline and go watch Oprah.) Nor is there anything more tragic than being dragged through the ups and downs of an indiscreet couple’s constantly changing relationship status. But, there is nothing wrong with quietly slipping into Facebook society. Everyone will add you (your kids, your parents, your boss, your ex) because it is the ultimate popularity contest. Once there, why not stir things up a bit? Don’t tell us how cute your dog is or how great your darling is or how “over it” you are... Tell us the colour of your undies or better yet, that you have decided not to wear any today. Tell us that you have a dull throb in your frontal lobe and can’t recall how last night ended. Come out of the closet!? Anything but the same old crap. Your friends might freak but your neighbour may appreciate the new insight into your twisted mind.
You never liked exercise anyway, right? So why get excited now that some lazy-ass computer game has you stretching and bending in the loungeroom? Because it’s so moronically, mind-numbingly entertaining you might work up a sweat just thinking about it. Just be mindful when seating your guests/co-players that they are scattered around the side and not directly behind where your wobbling arse will be on display when it comes to your turn in Wii Bowling.
Confessions of a Shopaholic
I know it was only that one time, but don’t you wish you hadn’t slipped that lippy up your sleeve down at Priceline all those months ago. Aside from the chat with the shopgirl who busted you (“Ah, madam...” “Oh thiiiiiiis yes, I wondered if you had it in a lighter shade? No, oh well I’ll just be going.”) being awkward to say the least, now you can’t go back for a cheap Revlon fix. A jolly smear from an Australis tester used to be that little upper you needed during a shopping outing but not anymore. A $3 nail polish to cheer up the afternoon! But alas, they have their eyes on you. Never fear, StrawberryNet is here. Online shopping to your heart’s content. New and FUN ways to max out your credit card from the comfort of your own home.
Chain of Fools
As soon as you open it, you know you should have hit delete and not gone there. The doom saying, damning threats of chain emails. Aside from the disturbing stories of what happens to those who don’t forward on, it’s always a depressing day when it says it must be sent to 10 friends and you realise you only have 6. Don’t be disheartened; channel your energy into penning your own.
THIS IS REALLY TRUE BECAUSE A LITTLE TWO HEADED GIRL-MONKEY IN TIMBUKTU LOOKED OUT OF HER WINDOW AND SAW THE TUMOUR SHRINKING ANGEL THAT SAVED HER LIFE AFTER HER PARENTS FORWARDED IT TO 6578920 FRIENDS.
Bill Gates will Give 1 BILLION BUCKS to all the HOMELESS & STARVING if you just pass this on and
MAKE A WISH.
I never send these things but this one really, super truly works!!! There was once a guy who ignored it and the next day he got on a plane that was heading two New York on the 11th of September 2001 and....
MAKE A WISH
I swear it’s worth it.
YAY! Good wish (you sicko.)
Now send this to 28 people in your contact list otherwise you will never get laid again.
Also, what are your credit card details, otherwise you better not cross any roads again for the rest of your life or eat any food either or catch any planes or turn on any machines. Basically, if you don’t give me those details it should be safe to say you will live in constant fear and paranoia of the horrific, terrifying and just plain nasty things that could happen to you at any time.