October 18, 2009

Wadda Wippoff Or Dinky DIY’s Guide to Dodging Cons

Greetings infidels.

Penny pinching is du jour in these GFC (Gotta find cash? Get fricken covered?) times bringing out the recessionista in everyone.

Basically the rich have been just dying for an opportunity to be out, loud and proud about tight-arsed behaviour and the flurry of middle class blogs penned around frugal chic is testament to that.

Now, we at Dinky DIY say more power to you! The Machine is a constantly scheming engine that is churning out new and breathtakingly cheeky ways to rip us all off, so we say give it back to ‘em.

Here are some classic rip offs so you can spot them a mile away.

Bottled Water: Evian can suck it. Seriously what the eff, people? What do you pay water rates for? It’s flowing freely through your faucets and you just can’t wait to dash out and buy some more blue-lidded landfill. Oh waaah, it tastes metallic. Cry me a river, you pansies. Harden up and dilute it with scotch.

Diamonds: Show me the carbon and I’ll show you the diamonds. Tons of them, mate, scattered around everywhere but just try and sell them and you will have a serious encounter on your hands. Enter DeBeers (cue evil laugh). Yep those buggers have made it their business to suppress diamond supply and squeeze out competition for yonks, so that you are serving up three times your monthly salary to snare the heart of your darling. The woman who coined the ultra successful “Diamonds Are Forever” line, didn’t ever get married because she knew that it was all just a line.

Farmers Markets & The Organic Food Con: Yes, of course you feel better after you have eaten sausages that cost you $6 a snag or a slice of $8 bread. That’s because you’re a yuppie; all smug and superior when you see others at the lunch table content with their glutinous, processed, pesticided white bread making their children ADHD or hyper-allergic or whatever and giving them ulcers and cancers and what not. But rest easy, most of those fancy pants delis and farmers markets have free tastings, so if you’re fast and relatively inconspicuous, you can tour around stocking up on upmarket treats without parting with a cent.

Gym Membership: Flabby McFlabFlab went to the gym, the peach-buttocked girls sold a dream to him, “$49 a month and sure thing you’ll be thin! Don’t read the fine print – just sign here and win.” And the chubby fool copped it all with a grin.

The Secret : Spoiler alert! I’ll save you the time and dosh and let the big fat secret out of the bag for free... you are in control of you. Oooohhh myyyyy goooooodddddd. Reeeeevvvveeellllaaattionn. That is unless, of course, you have already begun reading the books and watching the DVDs. Then you are not in control. You are being brainwashed by the some geniuses who got high distinctions in Marketing 101. If you really want to lose your grip, why not look into Turning Point ?

Stay ahead of the game, gumdrops.

1 comment:

  1. The secret ain't no secret?


    I was going to get the books and DVD's for Christmas and wish me a unicorn.