DIY’s How To Add Some Colour To Your Life

OR Kitsch Me Baby

It’s a known fact that I love a bit of tackorama (definition: the gaudy and often inappropriate introduction of tackiness) and so it seems appropriate that I am living in Kitsch Central here in Europe.

At the wedding last weekend so many people asked me what I liked about living in Austria (they couldn’t get their heads around why I would leave Oz for a small town in the Alps.) I had to answer them “I love the kitsch” and on cue they cringed.

This is a mystery to me – why are Europeans so embarrassed by their cultural clichés??

You know what I’m talking about (though, as an Aussie, you really have to see it to believe the madness) it’s the gingerbread cottages they live in with perfectly manicured lawns, the waaaay OTT religious icons hanging about everywhere (and I mean everywhere, Our Lady swooping from the heavens over the hand-dryer in roadside petrol stations, a gruesome Sacred Heart bleeding all over corner shop counters...) the cuckoo clocks, curly moustaches, Heidi, yodelling, paper flowers in lace-curtained windows... raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens!!!

Let the sophisticates groan at the mention of these cutesy villages as though it was the supreme aesthetic evil, but I can’t get enough of it.

So I am happy to present you with my top tips to Kitsch Your Life:

- Cocktail Umbrellas; I’m serious. If ever I see a packet of these in a supermarket I grab the lot. They are colourful splashes of whimsy that can brighten up any drink and go divinely with novelty ice cube shapes. A must have for any serious hostess.

- Leopard Print; Faux of course, darlings! You know you want it so just do it. Grab thee a pair of stretch tights in some tragic animal print, pair with a black jersey dress and heels – tell anyone who asks you’re going through a Hollywood phase (don’t forget the red lippy.) But for the bolder of you, go nuts! Leopard print BBQ aprons, coin purses, slippers, bedspreads – the vast possibilities are in a $2 Shop near you.

- Toilet Roll Dolls; Can one still find these? I long for one! You know what I’m talking about – the cupie dolly whose feet go into the centre of the spare toilet roll and her crocheted skirt covers it. My grandmother used to churn them out a frightening rate and they adorned every spare loo roll in the house. With five sons, loo paper was a high demand commodity.

Anyway, every toilet should have one.

- Putting the Kitsch in Kitchen; Tacky cooking, friends! I’m talking retro recipes, swinging fondue parties and Toast Hawaii. Toast Hawaii is my newest colourful cuisine discovery, apparently popularised in Eastern Germany during the 1950’s by a television celebrity chef. German food critic, Gudrun Rothaug said of the frivolous (but now loathed) dish that it is the "collected the longings of an entire era in a few square centimetres of white bread."

Anyway, I say make it and plonk it next to the red baby franks and spinach cob dip at the next barbie.

- Australiana; Spend five minutes in outback Australia and you will realise we don’t need to travel to get a hearty dose of homespun kitsch. Stuffed cane toads are first on the list, particularly if they are complete with an Elvis jumpsuit (love them,) I’m still working on my feelings for Ken Done or Jenny Kee jumpers but it’s really a matter of national pride that they be brought back to fashion glory.

Let Mr. Barry Humphries aka Dame Edna enlighten you further.

- Bejewelled Thongs; if you don’t already own a pair you haven’t discovered the absolute pleasure in adorning your feet in the height of tackorama glamour. Don’t worry if you can’t find a pair, just buy some plain ones get out the hot glue gun and start bejewelling... or really stick anything on them that gets a laugh. Perfect gifts – friends don’t let friends live without flip flops.

- Postcards; I must admit I’m such a slacker when it comes to sending postcards even though I know the fun of receiving one. Make sure if you’re away these holidays to send out a few. Let the wrongness guide you in your selection – g-strings, busty blondes on Queensland beaches is a classic fave but don’t look past the koala with a speech bubble or rude roadside signs either.

Good friends, I could go on and on (garden flamingos, Hello Kitty, bobbing-headed dashboard dogs...) But needless to say, as the weather turns crisp for you all Down Under, there is nothing like a touch of glitter and vinyl to brighten up your life.

Recipe for Toast Hawaii

Take a slice of white bread, top with a slice of packet ham. Add a circle of tinned pineapple and top with a slice of processed cheese. Grill for 90 seconds. Top with a cocktail cherry and voila.

Note; According to Wikipedia the ingredients in Toast Hawaii has the potential to form carcinogenic nitrosamines from the heated combination of ham and the amino acids of the cheese and pineapple. Department of Food Technology at the Technical University of Berlin have inconclusive findings on this matter... hmm... ho hum!

Cupcakes!

Thinking about the baked goods masterpieces at the Easter Show reminded me of my mother’s cupcakes.

Enough to make you drool, and though these ones were made for Chrismukkah last year, I tend to think they would also do well at an Easter Sunday lunch.

Very colourful, festive and isn't this picture of them just too Martha Stewart Living?

Speaking of the Divine Ms. Stewart, peace be upon Her, she just about wrote the damn book on cupcakes so get thee to the kitchen with a few of these recipes that will have everyone's mouth watering at Easter.

I am of the rather daggy opinion that cupcakes simply taste better if displayed on a stand. I know, yawn, it’s such a dull take on things I almost fell asleep just typing it. But I’ll stand by this one. And because I love you all, I have a quick DIY Cakestand for those (I imagine the vast majority?) who don’t happen to have a stand kicking about.






DIY CUPCAKE STAND

You Will Need:

• Cake boards: 1×8″, 1×10″, 1×12″
• Polystyrene cake dummies 2″ high: 2X5″ and 2×6″
• Satin ribbon for the cake board and the polystyrene cake dummies
• Wrapping paper (pick a cute, Easter-y design.)
• Glue stick and regular craft glue
• Sharp scissor
• Pencil
• Metal Pins

Step 1:
Glue the dummies together with craft glue and leave to dry completely.

Step 2:
When the dummies are dry, glue the ribbon to the dummies with craft glue. The easiest way to do this is to apply glue around the surface of the dummy. Then pin one end of the ribbon and start wrapping the ribbon firmly around so it slightly overlaps, right to the other end and pin it there as well.




















Step 3:
Lay the cake boards on the wrapping paper and trace around the outline of the boards. Cut out the circle neatly with your scissors.
















Step 4:
Thoroughly coat the boards with the glue stick and paste on the wrapping paper circles.















Step 5:
Secure a ribbon to the side edge of the board, dab some craft glue around the board and wrap it around to overlap the edge and re-pin in place.














Step 6:
Assemble the tiers on-top of each other. You can glue them together for extra security.




Ta da! Looks fabulous and, really, just is too easy and too cute not to do.

This tutorial was based on one from Cake Journal.com so check it out for more ideas.

Experts Guide to DIY Easter Show.

I just love Easter-time in Sydney.

I come from a long line of Sydney Royal Easter Show fanatics and feel the beginning tingles of anticipation when the evenings begin to bring a sharp chill and the days are shorter.

Dagwood dogs, my friends, are not a favourite of mine, but I have witnessed a record eating of 5 in one day.

So, to kick off my mounting excitement to Easter (even though I’m far from home at the moment) here is my, Experts Guide to DIY Easter Show.

1. Buy a fresh fruit salad and take your time checking out the agricultural displays in the Fruit & Veg Pavillion.
2. Sample the chilli jams and sauces in the Food Pavillion – but bring a bottle of water with you – they are crazy hot!
3. Check out the awesome cake decorating and be inspired for the next one you whip up.
4. Watch the wood chopping. You’ll be surprised at how thrilling you find it and, while the landed gentry can be rather uppity in their Laura Ashley heavyweight cotton shirts and big hats, they don’t mind at all if you bellow your opinions along with the other yahoos.
5. Follow strange noises (one year I followed the sounds of cheers to stumble upon a rodeo, once a semi-professional boxing match, once an impromptu open karaoke stage for Easter Show Idol... you never know what you might find!)
6. Walk around the Showbag Pavilion, decide it’s all crap, and then buy the Darrel Lea Pig Out Bag anyway.
7. Wine taste for free to give you a little Easter Show buzz (but the oyster bar always looks suss to me so nibble on those spicy nuts they have instead.)
8. Go to the Dairy Farmers Farmyard Nursery. It’s just too much fun, if you have kids, little sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews with you – all the better – but not necessary. Airey and I easily killed an hour here last year fantasizing about stealing a chick to take home and adopting lambs that sat on out laps as we channelled St Francis Assisi on hay bales. Fun, trust me.
9. Go nuts in Sideshow Alley. Yes, it’s an outrageous rip-off but there’s nothing like the sense of accomplishment when you win yourself an styrofoam-stuffed, oversized trophy (and ladies, I won’t pretend, the carnies will respond to a little friendly flirting.) Dare yourself do go on the scariest ride you can find. I was seriously doubting the strength of my pelvic floor last year, as I tried to hold a bladder that I feared would let me down while waiting to go on some nightmare of a ride. While I was making myself sick with fear, Airey was gleefully waiting on the safety of the ground, waving and taking pics of me.
10. Watch the evening spectacular in the arena. I am a bit of a snob when it comes to this one. I have member’s tickets and my family does like to dine in the members club overlooking the evening show. But really, nothing beats being out in the stands with some greasy hot chips and your mates, watching the patriotic efforts of Bluey the faithful dog, or the drover with his whip cracking, the speed demons in cars and on motorbikes and smelling the sulphuric delights of a cracking fireworks show.

Ahhh. Yep, I’m going to miss it a lot this April.

But, if you don't have to miss out, go!! http://www.eastershow.com.au/