May 29, 2009

DIY Guide to Hogwashing the Stupid Swine Flu

Or Oink Oink, Cough.

I`m just loving the pandemic pandemonium.

It truly brings out the moron in everyone. I have some Aussie kin stockpiling and getting their knickers in a knot since a P & O Cruise became all infected on the high seas of northern Australia and turned into a floating media freakout.

Normally in Australia when there`s any issue at sea, they just start chucking people overboard . I was so waiting for that to start happening.

Anyways, here you have it…

Dinky DIY`s Guide to Surviving Swine Flu

Medicinal Mix-up When authorities find the dead woman with her undies around her bloated, bluish face in your cabin be sure you and your buddies pass off the GHB they find in her blood as a Tamiflu mix-up. Relenza sounds so like Rohypnol ...anyone could make that mistake.

Fashions of the Flu The industrious Mexicans have jumped on this opportunity to provide to the eager market options for the fashionable swine flu facemask.

My tip is the cute little Miss Piggy snout or try this flambostic and crafty take on the new look. But then when it comes time for Aussie`s to put them on, I reckon someone should get them made up saying Chk Chk Boom!… the ticking timebomb of plague.

Mwah Mwah, Darloink! According to The Huffington Post

A single sneeze propels 100,000 droplets into the air at around 90 mph, landing on door knobs, ATM keypads, elevator buttons, escalator railings, and grocery cart handles… as many as 150 commuters can be sickened by one uncovered achoo."

Normally my solution would be to take to air kissing but the NY Times says even that`s a faux pas now. Sigh. Good manners just fly out the door when a pandemic comes to town.

I Vant To Be Alone "Social Distancing" is actually being recommended by world governments. This is the fancypants term for staying away from people. Yay! Another triumph for our already paranoid, alienated, disconnected modern world. You didn`t feel like going to your wife`s highschool reunion before but now you have the perfect excuse Sorry honey, W.H.O says socialising is out… and I was so looking forward to it. Or your whingy best mate wants to drag you along to another humiliating singles night in her desperate attempt to feel young and desirable again. But o-oh… It`s just this swine flu thing, spreading like wildfire! Young singles are the incubators. Better stay at home and watch The Hills.

We`re All Doomed! The bacon sickness is obviously the Wrath of God punishing the Mexicans for that South American priest indugling in his great big sex romp with a single mother on the beach and the rest of us for global warming. Pray furiously and consider smiting the kids yourself… grotty little spreaders kids can be. And teenagers! With their sinful CyberSpacebook, Twittering and Sexting crazes, their oversexualised exuberence, their tweeny teeny fleshlicious MTVness. They are all over each other in unholy swine saliva swapping. Don`t close down the schools, use them as lures to round up these wretches en masse and them them wipe out the future together.

Spicey Can Be Dicey Shikimic acid is a major active ingredient in Tamiflu and it comes from star anise. But it aint gonna help despite Chinatown herbalists doing a roaring trade on anise during bird flu and again this time round. The raw material ''goes through several intermediate steps [to become Tamiflu], and some of them are very toxic," said Norman Farnsworth, director of University of Illinois at Chicago. We suggest buy shares in star anise farms (there are some in NSW) and sip on your Pernod Anise for good measure, it`ll give you a nice buzz and help you forget the lunacy this sooky flu is causing.

A Pommy Cow and a Chinese Chicken walked a bar in Cancun… but Australians should be alerted the Koala Cough which originated in the town camps of Northern Territory where hygiene is notoriously bad. Medical experts suspect that petrol sniffers were coming into dazed contact with the infected animals and transmitting the illness through all their other filthy habits.

  • It is said to be spreading rapidly throughout the country mainly because of the stimulus package promoting local travel and thus encouraging folk into the infection zone around Uluru.
  • Symptoms include drowsiness developing into extreame fatigue whereby the victim loses motivation to do even the simplest of tasks beyond slow chewing.
  • Demographics most at risk are IT, Real Estate and Finance sector workers recently made redundant due to their oversexed nature. Koala cough CAN be spread by sharing sushi dinners and taxi cabs.
  • Be vigilant! Suggested treatment; turn off the television, throw out the newspapers and turn down talkback. Try buying out of manufactured panic. Experiment with not living in a constant state of fear.

All the same, if you sprout a curly-wirly tail, might want to drop by your GPs.

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