July 24, 2009

Dinky DIYs Guide to Quaffing in Style

Experimental Research: Like observational studies, experiments can be carried out either in the field or in the laboratoryOR Grogblog (if you`re disgusted, you didn`t read that properly.)

Don`t act all superior, I know you`ve played Goon of Fortune.

You`re not fooling me as you swill that drop into a tumble dry and poke your clueless nose into the glass. I know that after the first bottle you don`t know your Cabernet from a cabaret or your Pinot from a penile dysfunction.

But that`s what we`re all about here at DIY, hacks for life, friends. Hacks for life.

Bubblybabble: Can`t go wrong, I was told by a wine grower last week, if you announce you can smell/taste „Green apples“ triumphantly after a gulp of German rielsing. I was immediately in familiar territory, „Oh, the old woody tric.“ Known in previous generations as the „Smooth getaway“ (where you, similarly announce a wine is smooth when tasting, instantly letting yourself off the hook of ignorance….for now.) Chances are though, the guy next to you knows no better so just get creative and bust out a „buttery palette with hints of melon“ or a „spicy tannins and clove aromas“ and watch them turn green with envy. Get the down-low here .

Wet Spots: While I am blessed with the ability to slurp Creme de Menthe out of shag carpets leaving no trace of cocktail indescretions, I later learnt for moments when planting one`s face into the rug may be inappropriate there is salt. Now I just carry a shaker of the stuff around and throw it about like a shaman to ward off the evil spirits that conspire to have red wine spilt on shirts, skirts and carpets. Just douse all spots with salt. Convetional wisdom also says White Wine will lift the stains of Red Wine, like a textile and grog battle for cosmic balance. But whatever you do, DAB don`t rub. Muahahahhahahaha. Oh come on, I know I`m not the only one amused.

Spoiled Rotten: Nothing so embarrassing as cork rot for all involved. The host, the one who must speak up, the ones who didn`t notice… Then there`s the problem with the old screw. Don`t be a dag about it, we all know screw caps have broken down the barrier between tipplers and their buzz. Rejoice! For you no longer have to resort to stabbing desperately at a crumbling cork with the cheese knife as you try to push it back into the bottle so you can get to your nectar. Go for the screw everytime.

I`m Not Sshlurring: Wine tastings are by far the cheats way to learn about wine and drink loads for nothing. Next time you plan to go out, let your friends know you are hosting pre-drinks and find where the local free tasting is on. Just ask the people behind the bar lots of questions and look interested in the answers if you think the charity is starting to dwindle once your friends stop using their inside voices and start thaying shings like thish.

Whinewein: Despite the outcry, sales of Adolf Hitler Wine reached a record high after Brussels and Berlin try to ban it. "Getting sued was the best thing that could have happened," says winemaker Alessandro Lunardelli, who developed the wine after the success of his Mussolini label back home in Italy. Also available in a Goering edition, Adolf Hitler`s image is splashed across the label, arm raised in Nazi salute and the regime's motto "Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuehrer" underneath. It`s illegal to sell anything depicting Nazi symbols in Germany, cos they don`t want to tempt the crazy Aryans too much. But in Italy, well now, the sale of faschist souveniers is just fine! Lunardelli claims to move up to 30,000 bottles a year at highway petrol stations in Italy and probably spends most of the profits buying indulgences from the Catholic Church because he can feel the heat of Hell as it singes his toe-hairs.

Stay classy, team.

1 comment: