Statistics say that while everyone likes to make noises about it the regular person actually doesn`t give a crap when it comes to the point where saving the planet means compromising our cushy little lifestyle choices. Boo hoo.
Sure we`ll have our Earth Hour dinner parties and recycle Christmas cards but walk instead of drive… hm. I guess it`s a world like that where comments like this can fly,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
— Lee Iacocca, CEO/Chairman, Chrysler Corporation, 1979-1992
So to help you giggle at the decidedly uncomfortable subject, here`s a glipse at the Lighter Side of Climate Change…
Consider Yourself Lucky: As one comedian put it, "In 50 years, my generation will be in its 70s and we'll be able to boast that we were the only generation to have contraception, iPods, cheap flights and an ozone layer." Well, when you say it like that, cool. Sucks to be your sperm, though, things are going to be really unpredictable when they grow up.
Become A Smug Hybrid Owner: Are these guys worse than smug-marrieds? I mean, are they prouder of themselves than organic only vegans or what? Wouldn`t you love to join the club? Give it a go, the DIY way. Some cars can actually run off vegetable oil . So next time you need to fill up, pull into Maccas instead of Shell and throw a bucket down the grease trap. And if your engine seizes then you will have to walk everywhere and become part of that super smug group.
When Sheryl Went Feral : “I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.” Sheryl Crowe on her simple solution to the environmental crisis we face.
Stay Together For The Earth: The Dallas News reported that divorce contributes to global warming because more than two households are needed. Way to guilt someone out of dumping you, „This isn`t just about your life, its about the planet, Megan.“
Hot Sweats: I started talking about global warming, rising temperatures, rising waters and climate change with an old Oma the other day and the poor duck stared really hard at me, finally saying, „Oh dear, and you`re so young to be going through the Change.“ She also couldnt figure out why I was so worried about the poles „We bombed the bejesus out of them back in the 40`s, sweetheart, there`s nothing to worry about, now.“ Make like old people and pretend like you never heard anything about it, „Tsunami, did you say? No I just want Super Supreme thanks.“
Here`s A great Big Cup of Shut The Eff Up: Dish that one up next time you hear someone blowing a lot of hot air…. Afterall, they are contributing to the growing hole in the ozone.
Support Plane Hijackers: You gotta admit, all these terrorist attacks and plane crashes are stopping people from flying which is becomign one of the worst contributors to pollution these days. Be sure to tell everyone how terrifying your last plane trip was, exaggerate turbulance and the quality of the food. Scare people away from these budget flights and get them back to more environmentally sound options like hitchhiking and rowboating.
Lonely Planet: And while we`re talking travel, look at all the new possibilities the melting ice caps are opening up for us. Iceland might be broke but it can bail itself up by becoming the next must be seen in Riviera. The bloated carcasses of dead polar bears floating by won`t be all that off-putting once you get used to the smell.
Did you hear they cancelled Autumn? Here`s some real hilarity from the good folks at The Onion.
I feel the hurricane blowin'
I know the end is coming soon.
I see the river's overflowin'
I hear the voice to raise the ruin.
Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
I think we're in for nasty weather.
Hold on we'll take you for a ride