I See A Bad Moon Risin` OR Dinky DIYs Lighter Side of Climate Change

Here We Go My Global Citizens and Dinky Dinksters lets ride this unseasonal wave…

Statistics say that while everyone likes to make noises about it the regular person actually doesn`t give a crap when it comes to the point where saving the planet means compromising our cushy little lifestyle choices. Boo hoo.

Sure we`ll have our Earth Hour dinner parties and recycle Christmas cards but walk instead of drive… hm. I guess it`s a world like that where comments like this can fly,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

— Lee Iacocca, CEO/Chairman, Chrysler Corporation, 1979-1992

Umm…

So to help you giggle at the decidedly uncomfortable subject, here`s a glipse at the Lighter Side of Climate Change…

Consider Yourself Lucky: As one comedian put it, "In 50 years, my generation will be in its 70s and we'll be able to boast that we were the only generation to have contraception, iPods, cheap flights and an ozone layer." Well, when you say it like that, cool. Sucks to be your sperm, though, things are going to be really unpredictable when they grow up.

Become A Smug Hybrid Owner: Are these guys worse than smug-marrieds? I mean, are they prouder of themselves than organic only vegans or what? Wouldn`t you love to join the club? Give it a go, the DIY way. Some cars can actually run off vegetable oil . So next time you need to fill up, pull into Maccas instead of Shell and throw a bucket down the grease trap. And if your engine seizes then you will have to walk everywhere and become part of that super smug group.

When Sheryl Went Feral : “I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.” Sheryl Crowe on her simple solution to the environmental crisis we face.

Stay Together For The Earth: The Dallas News reported that divorce contributes to global warming because more than two households are needed. Way to guilt someone out of dumping you, „This isn`t just about your life, its about the planet, Megan.“

Hot Sweats: I started talking about global warming, rising temperatures, rising waters and climate change with an old Oma the other day and the poor duck stared really hard at me, finally saying, „Oh dear, and you`re so young to be going through the Change.“ She also couldnt figure out why I was so worried about the poles „We bombed the bejesus out of them back in the 40`s, sweetheart, there`s nothing to worry about, now.“ Make like old people and pretend like you never heard anything about it, „Tsunami, did you say? No I just want Super Supreme thanks.“

Here`s A great Big Cup of Shut The Eff Up: Dish that one up next time you hear someone blowing a lot of hot air…. Afterall, they are contributing to the growing hole in the ozone.

Support Plane Hijackers: You gotta admit, all these terrorist attacks and plane crashes are stopping people from flying which is becomign one of the worst contributors to pollution these days. Be sure to tell everyone how terrifying your last plane trip was, exaggerate turbulance and the quality of the food. Scare people away from these budget flights and get them back to more environmentally sound options like hitchhiking and rowboating.

Lonely Planet: And while we`re talking travel, look at all the new possibilities the melting ice caps are opening up for us. Iceland might be broke but it can bail itself up by becoming the next must be seen in Riviera. The bloated carcasses of dead polar bears floating by won`t be all that off-putting once you get used to the smell.

Did you hear they cancelled Autumn? Here`s some real hilarity from the good folks at The Onion.

I feel the hurricane blowin'
I know the end is coming soon.
I see the river's overflowin'
I hear the voice to raise the ruin.


Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
I think we're in for nasty weather.
Hold on we'll take you for a ride

-John Fogerty

Nice Weather We`re Having....

I know, I know, stop staring. You don`t need to mention it, my headlights are on but let me tell you it has zilch to do with arousal. I`m bloody freezing.


I have been consistantly complaining about the weather since I got here and it never gets better. I don`t believe in acclimatisation. It`s a lie, these people are just as cold as me… they just don`t know better…. Or perhaps they think they are unworthy of a better, warmer, sun-tingly life.

Not my problem.

My problem is wearing socks in high summer during the day and sheepskin lined jackets. That`s my problem.

Way to bring me down, NORTHERN WIND.

Now, I could give you helpful tutorials on wheatpacks for snuggling up to at night (you know, those microwaved things that explode in bed and scald your toesies off) or a How To on crocheted bedsocks. But who am I kidding, these guys do stuff like that way better. Instead I will do what I do best.

Whinge.

The piddling offering of five days of sunshine and sporatic bursts of sunrays has been most distressing. A schitzophrenic excuse for a summer which, if you believe the TV ads, is already over because Fall Collection is about to hit the shops.

I almost fell off the couch when I saw that.

“Um WTF?? Autumn, already??“
“Well yes,“ comes the calm, measured reply, “we`ve already had the longest day.“

As though that explains it.

In response to my concerns, a lovely middle aged older woman informed me that she doesn`t need to buy winter pyjamas since she has her Viktor, much to the delight of all the other Europeans present. They practically wee themselves when domestic chatter turns even vaguely kinky. Viktor sat there smirking as the innuendo flew and I had to compose my mouth so that no-one knew I was gagging.
I`m polite like that.

So, I`m like Queen of the SAD club right now. Chomping down carbs and sulkily refusing to be glam because the effing rain doth maketh my hair frizzy (and smell like wet dog onion beer) and I can`t be bothered pulling out my nice warm clothes that I gleefully banished to vacuum packing months ago when Winter supposedly ended.

And I have to take, like, 3 showers a day just to stop myself from hibernating. But don`t worry, they clearly don`t have a water problem here because it darn well rains all the bloody time.

In fact, the Russian told me that Europe has a problem with people not utilising the water system enough, causing issues with pipes needing extra maintenance and dams overfilling.

Cos, y`know, they don`t bathe much here on the continent and are obsessed with drinking mineral water out of glass bottles. O.b.s.e.s.s.e.d.

So funny. Guidebooks actually advise you don`t ask for tap-water in restaurants so as not to offend. I have seen waitstaff get narky about it. Bahahahahha.

But the most hilarious thing is that they have delightful, sparkling, alpine-fresh tap water in most parts of Europe I have seen lately*. Yet they are morbidly afraid of the stuff. You should see the panic I induce when I start filling a glass from the kitchen tap. They stare aghast or hurl Evian at me like I`m on fire and need to be doused.

Anyway, I know you know where this is all heading. Shortly I will be dispatching a guide to you all on coping with global warming and other environmental hazards... just as soon as my fingers defrost.


*DO NOT EVER drink the tap water in Russia. That stuff shares the chemical recipe of paint stripper.

Not Like Old Times

Things have changed around this place,

The whole world`s turned a little poker faced

And the Dow Jones, well it leaves bad taste… these days.

Good times gone in a St Elmos fire,

Subprime for sale, but nobody`s a buyer,

I used to like banking but I think I need a new car-aeyer…in some ways.

But, uPon-zie my word! I`ll take my hat off,

To the pyramid dreams of Bernie Madoff.

Okay, he was a bit of a gazumper

But credit, please, what style, what chutzpah!

Well I suppose all good things must come to an end.

But, oh, it was just starting to feel like the 80s again.

No more tweets from my peeps on this Blackberry mine,

If you have a job you`re working overtime,

All work no play, bah! It`s a crime… but it pays.

No first class, no catering, no none of that,

And just when the coke lines were getting fat,

The prices shot up, now we`re chewing khat… these days.

Folks are looking shaky, the word is depression,

How can you self medicate in such a recession?

Losing minds, losing jobs and all losing houses,

It`s then when those louses go back to their spouses.

Marilyn told Madonna and she said it, my friend,

It was just strating to feel like the good times again.

I voted Democrats but now, oh mama,

He`s sure in the snake pit, Mr Obama.

Nigga puhleese, China bought Hummer!? ...so they says.

Didn`t they give us all a scare,

Those weapons of mass destruction that seem not be there?

It`s a lot of pressure for North Korea to bare… in some ways.

They say Osama`s dead, but show us the stiff,

Ice caps are melting but warming`s a myth.

Guantanamo`s closing and Iraq`s over, phew

And we`re all stocked up on Tamiflu!

It`s hard to know if things are up or down,

With all the spam thats going around.

Think twice next time before you hit send,

Ah, if only it was like in the 90s again.

Yep, we`re saving our pennies but how we want to spend,

Guess history repeats itself again and again.

Dinky DIY's Guide to Kookaburra Troubles Down Under

OR Get a Laugh Outta This

I come from a land down under

Where beer does flow and men chunder

Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder?

You better run, you better take cover

It's quite rare in the Great Southern Land, that you hear of a music industry scandal… so let's enjoy this one thoroughly.

I remember the gratingly annoying Don Spencer (that dorkus malorkus from Playschool circa 1987) bleating out the lyrics ad nauseum of Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree and maybe you do too. Or maybe you were treated to this stupid song some other way (miserable Scouts camps come to mind) because, as everyone knows, if its got a bush animal in it, the song immediately becomes part of the Holier Than Thou Australian Songbook, to be hummed along to with reverence at church fetes, school band recitals and when played at 3am on rural radio stations by all patriots.

Don't get me wrong. Some of the tunes that belong to this canonical collection are brilliant. Kookaburra just isn't. Men At Work's classic (I Come From A Land ) Down Under on the other hand, is.

That's why it went to number 1 on the US, UK and Aussie charts in 1983, won the band a Grammy for Best New Artist and help sell 30 million albums. This is also why whenever intoxicated Australians gather it creates great excitement and merrymaking when played.

When the Australia II won the Americas Cup it was the yachts anthem. One of the godawful Crocadile Dundee sequels used it and, for crying out loud, it was played at the 2000 Closing Ceremony.

It's sacred.

Get ready to laugh.

So, Larrikin Music owns the el lamo rights to Kookaburra (first penned in 1934 for a Girl Guides Victoria jamboree) and are suing Down Under songwriters Colin Hay and Ron Strykert, and record companies EMI and Sony, for breach of copyright and unpaid royalties.

Larrikin claims the flute riff was ripped off from the original song`s refrain. Muahahahhhahahaha.

Here is a sample from the older jingle- please note the last line.

Can you imagine what primary school kids do to this song?

One noteworthy example:

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Screwing all the magpies he can see
Stop! Kookaburra,
Stop! Kookaburra,
That one's got VD!

But I digress.

Apparently the commotion started when ABC TV cult music show Spicks And Specks raised the possibility of a connection between the songs in 2007. Immediately, Larrikin managing director Norman Lurie launched the court fight.

The original writer of Kookaburra is long dead and had signed the rights over to the Libraries Board of South Australia who sold out bigtime and flogged them to Larrikin, who is clearly clutching at straws here.

Anyway, this is so not about Intellectual Property. This is about an evil music manager tearing strips from a glorious Aussie icon. Larrikin needs to get hip to postmodernism and realise that even if Men at Work did copy 5 seconds of melody from this dumbass ditty, they did a damn fine job. He needs to chillax and have a Vegimite sandwich.

P.S. I am struggling with finding Luthie`s or Larrikin`s contact details. This is all I could get and would heartily commend prankings involving kookaburra laughings sounds, campfire singalongs of the song he so loves and barside bellowings of the song he seems to hate so much. Just an idea...

Dinky Pick-up Lines OR Come Here Often?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Love’s a bitch, so there’s no way I’m attempting a difinitive guide…even though I know all the secrets. .. owing to my inpenetrable wisdom.

In time, young grasshoppers.

Instead I offer you a dinky little look into the world of pick-up lines…

El Lamo –

• If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
• Are you lost? Because heaven is a long way from here.
• Do you have any Italian/English/Guatamalen/Whatever in you… Do you want some?
• Your dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

The worst I ever heard has stayed with me from adolescence. Expressed in the exquisite bastardisation of the English language that goes on in wilderness of the western suburbs of Sydney (and no doubt elsewhere in Australia) where thinking becomes finking and it all sounds like it is coming from a mouth stuffed full of cotton wool. It was from such a furry teenage mouth that the cry "You are my darling and this is our Harbour!" was directed at my best friend as we strolled through the iconic landmark one Saturday night. Other localised attempts here including the classic "I'd love to didgeridoo you"

Call to action - The main problem with this Casanova’s effort was the lack of a "call to action" to use marketing lingo. Naturally there was some implication but it’s too easy to shrug lines like this off. Like the Italians catcalling to female pedestrians bellissimaaaaaa! she will just walk by nonchalently or blushing furiously, depending on the girl. (FYI to do otherwise would be taken as a huge come on and you could expect to be stalked 10 blocks by amorous male.) Nice shoes… wanna f*@k was doing the rounds when I was younger. Complement + call to action + vaguely amusing in downright bluntness. I have never known it to work, though.

Breeder Tactics - Michael Douglas’ pick-up line for Madame Zeta-Jones made headline news when it was revealed. He went for the controversial breeder tactic and started talkin babies. Catherine told Tarts that when she first met the old codger, "Straight away he was very direct that he wanted to be the father of my children. So that was it..." Nothing like a tug at the phantom umbilical cord to get the biological ticker going!

The Game – The game just cracks me up. Bahahahahahahhha. Honestly, I know so many single blokes who swear by it because it gave them the strategies to bed one decent girl. If you don’t know about it, best be informed. It’s this book subtitled Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists an apparently true story where the author is turned from a hopeless dud with women to suave pick up master after meeting a secret society of experts. Please, read more about the dumbess here . The man who invented many of the techniques lines his eyes with kohl, does magic tricks and calls this "peacocking". I don’t know about the pea part…

Think Outside the…ehem…Box - Weird Al Yankovic put some classics and some personal innovations to music in his song "Wanna B Ur Lovr"

Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet

Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostrils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice

Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up

I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?

It’s all a bit cheesy and sleazy but be honest, if you’ve made your mind up one way or another does it really matter what they say?

DIY Guide to the Biennale

My tour of Venice for the wonderful gentlemen at Design Federation.

Dinky DIY's Guide to Pirates

Fifteen men of the whole ship's list

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

Dead and bedamned and the rest gone whist!

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

The skipper lay with his nob in gore

Where the scullion's axe his cheek had shore And the scullion he was stabbed four times four

And there they lay, and the soggy skies Dripped down in up-staring eyes

In murk sunset and foul sunrise

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Good gracious who doesn’t get the bejeebies when they read that? Who doesn’t get a chill as their blood turns sea shanty salted? Ahh, who doesn’t wish to be a pirate?

Lurking ninjas, begone.

I met one the other day. She was grand. Shy was her name, but she was a walking comic strip of tats, so I doubt that it was an apt one... perhaps parody... piratey parody.

This be her.

There's been a lot of piratical happenings of late and I want my DIYers to be well informed land lubbers so here is Dinky DIY's Guide to Pirates;

Modern Day Buccaneers So you have the show stealing Somali pirates who terrorize the coast of west Africa these days and while probably no less terrifying than the classical pirates, I’d take a guess and say they were a bit light on the Shiver me Timbersness and heavy on the machine gunness. But apparently they still have a way with the ladies, as one modern day pirate told Time "Even now, pirates are marrying the most beautiful ladies, with nonstop dancing at weddings that go a couple of days." Good to see they be merry making with there pieces of eight. But then, wait a sec... The Huffington Post's John Hari says there's a bit more to this story .

Talk the Talk or Walk the Plank Australia doesn’t really do pirates, we are more a bushranging people (which is a whole other, and rather superior, artform) but we do participate in the official Talk Like A Pirate Day. September 19^th people, pencil it in. Information is here on yaaarrr.com “To err is human, but to arrr is pirate!” That just cracks me up.

DIY Guide to Pirate Speak:

• Only speak in the present tense. So it is "I be" "they be" as opposed to "I am" or "they are."
• Double up your adjectives. Don't say never, say "No nay ne'er!"* (see rule 4)
• Drop all "g's". Like "fightin'", "sailin'" smellin'".
• Drop your "v's" for advanced Pirate Speak. "ne'er", "o'er" and ye be ha'in' people strainin' to understand ye.

More here and here .

Swashbuckling Swedes In Sweden, they actually have a political party called The Pirate Party, which only earlier this month won 7.1 per cent of votes, taking one of Sweden's 18 seats in the European parliament. Founded in 2006 it owes its popularity to controversial laws adopted in Sweden that criminalise filesharing and authorise monitoring of emails. Membership shot up notably after a Stockholm court on April 17 sentenced four Swedes to a year in jail for running one of the world's biggest filesharing sites, The Pirate Bay. Methinks there’s still a bit of Viking boiling in their blood.

Mutiny on the Bounty Our pacific neighbours don’t really have much to report on the pirate front, but they do have a damn good tale of Mutiny... which is almost just as good.

Today Pitcairn Island bears that embarrassing stench of something not-quite-right buried under piles of shit-flinging and blame shifting. Kiddy rape will do that . But before the Pitcairners dirty laundrey was aired, they did have quite a romantic air about them. The descendants of mutinous sailors on the run from the law, they have their own Creole language spoken today, a mix of Tahitian and 18^th Century English which includes such gold expressions as, “We hypocrited ‘em.” Fletcher Christian, the mastermind, with his tiny band of rogues and Tahitian wives stumbled upon the island while seeking a hideout from a British Navy, who were after them for their efforts in heisting the good ship Bounty. The population exploded and many of the islanders were moved to settled on the bigger Norfolk Island nearby, bringing their cultural troubles with them. Mark Twain perhaps best summed up the root of the island people’s problems in his fiction from the 1903’s The Great Revolution in Pitcairn ,

“You speak of that young woman as your cousin; a while ago you called her your aunt.”

“Well, she is my aunt, and my cousin, too,” came the reply. “And also my step-sister, my niece, my fourth cousin, my thirty-third cousin, my forty-second cousin, my great-aunt, my grandmother, my widowed sister-in-law—and next week she will be my wife.”

Feisty Femmes You might have heard of the terrifying likes of lasses like stark mad Carribean pirate Anne Bonny but according to the good book Wikipedia, Australia has a grand dame of diabolical digressions! So, there we have Charlotte Badger originally of Worcestershire, England and sentenced to Australia for nicking a silk hanky... which was apparently to help out her hungry family. I fail to see how the hanky would have helped but anyhoo... Charlotte and her galpal Catherine Hegarty were on a ship with their boyfriends after serving their miserable sentences in Aussieland, convinced the blokes to mutiny and took off for NZ. So you see, kids, this is why you shouldn't copy Wikipedia for school assignments, use the references at the bottom of the article instead, otherwise you take the risk of announcing to the world Australia has its own female pirate when in fact, we clearly don't, the Kiwis do.

Johnny Come Lately It was widely reported that Johnny Depp was making the folks at Disney nervous on set during the his experimental redering of Jack Sparrow, who he says was based on Keith Richards. But arrrr, he surely championed the swoonmaking swashbuckler.

Ahhhh... I mean ARghhHHhhhrrrrrr!

On Stomping The Worm

Or XAIPE!

Get happy.

Get up.

Get going.

Get out.

Get in.

Get with it.

Get. a. life.

There is a curling, squirming, burrowing dark worm inside every soul. You might be able to squish it for now, but it just splits in half and lays low for a while.

But then, it’s just a worm.

You’re a gigantic beast compared to a worm.

Stomp the worm and smile. For now, it’s good enough.